Breaking: Trump Nominates Satan For Top Post
Nation Reacts Pretty Much As You Would Expect
Breaking news President Trump has nominated a new Director of the FBI and the choice is quite a surprise to some people. The choice is Satan. Trump said in a statement, “Now that we have ended the very unfair DEI, we can get down to hiring the very best people.” And with that he nominated the Prince of Darkness, the ruler of hell, to be in complete control of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. The agency that has control of our data. The agency that can make people disappear. If this doesn’t sound like a nightmare to you, you might be numb. But we are all numb so…
What’s the media saying about this surprise pick? The New York Times said this was an example of, “Trump thinking outside of the box.” (They immediately started working on a piece about what Trump voters think about the pick.) At Fox News they said this was “evidence of how Trump continues collecting the best people for his cabinet.” At MSNBC they said, “You guys, he’s literally Satan.” Someone wrote a Substack thinkpiece titled “Conjunction Junction What’s Your Function?” saying the Satan nomination was a distraction from what’s really going on. The thinkpiece did not say what this was distracting us from. Like, what could be worse than inviting the ruler of hell to have a job in leadership inside of our government? Someone retorted with a Substack thinkpiece titled “This Is the Bad Place” where they argued that the nomination of Satan was not a distraction at all, it was the thing we should pay attention to. Someone in the comments said that that thinkpiece was actually written by Satan in an attempt to trick us. The comments section turned into a bloodbath. Someone wrote a Substack thinkpiece called “Saying Everything Is A Distraction Is A Distraction From Everything.” It went hyperviral.